My Journey to Self Acceptance

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                         “To say "I love you" one must know first how to say the "I".”

                                             ― Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

Something that had been weighing me down for a long time was not being able to love myself for who I was. I know that many people struggle with this no matter what age or gender and I think it is important to share personal experiences in order to help other people. The reason I’m sat down on a sunny Sunday afternoon writing this is to share some of the barriers I faced, especially as a teenager and young adult. I am now 21 and I have learnt so much about what it takes to look in the mirror and be at peace with who I am.

Personal experiences and "blaming others"

As most people know, up until I was about 16, I was very harshly treated by people at school. Practically all I knew was criticism, and the nasty things that were being said about my appearance were breaking my heart. I think deep down I knew they were lying, but a part of me still thought that there was something really wrong with me. Further down the line when I was 17, I began to feel like I didn't fit in anymore and that people were actually avoiding me because I was just the ugly girl that no one would want to be seen with. I then met a boy who I thought meant everything to me. We had so much in common and I thought he was really nice. It is always heartbreaking for me to look back and think that I let him drag me down so much and make me hate myself even more. He had turned out to be aggressive and manipulative. The mask had literally fallen off and I was dealing with someone who wanted nothing but pain for me. A similar situation arose when I was 19 as well. I think this one had gotten to me the most. I feel that these two experiences opened my eyes and made me realise that I was accepting a lot less than I truly deserved. They were not the kind of ‘summer romances’ I really had in mind. The truth is that I didn't know when to walk away from these people and situations; in the end you always teach people how to treat you. If you stay with a person who is constantly dragging you through mud, then that is what will continue. From this I also took the fact that you can never blame others for how you feel about yourself, sometimes you need to find it within yourself to fully know your own worth. It took a few years to realise that, but I wish I had found out earlier that perhaps I was treating myself as harshly as everyone else had for no reason.

Something I have learnt over the years is that I might have been mixing with the wrong types of people and had listened to too much pointless criticism that had no value in my life. Again, it’s about learning to let go of things that no longer serve positive value in your life.



Negative self talk

Throughout my teen years, I was telling myself daily:

• "You are the most untalented person, you're rubbish at your instrument, you'd never get asked to do a solo and you'll mess up everything if you even did. You should quit and you don't belong in any band and your musical ability is just rubbish." 

• "You are the ugliest person in the world, you need to lose a lot of weight and wear more makeup. You'll never find love and no one would ever be attracted to you."

• "My figure is disgusting, I look like a sack of potatoes and no one would ever love me for that either."

• "You are no good at anything, you'll never get a job because you are clumsy and completely useless. No one would ever want to listen to you because you say stupid things and no one cares about what you have to say or write anyway." 

But would I say these things to a friend, a family member or a loved one? Would this be how I'd view everyone around me? Why did I have to attack myself like this daily and say the complete opposite to everyone else? When I realised I was doing it, I took a step back and asked myself a few questions. Are these things actually true? Can I provide evidence that these things are true? My only excuses were mostly about what other people had said or done that made me believe these things. It all seemed to be influenced by other people. Instead of actually lifting myself up, I was practically expecting others to tell me that I was looking ok and doing ok in life. 

Comparison to other people 

One thing that greatly holds people back is trying to follow the crowd. I was comparing my talents and looks mainly to other people's. This was of course not beneficial to my life at all. Obviously I believe in admiring people and wanting to become like them one day, but forcing yourself to be someone you're not is never a good idea. You may not have those beautiful eyes that girl has on Instagram, or that expensive car that guy has just posted on Facebook, but that does not mean you don't have as much value. I found this really difficult to achieve because it felt like I wasn't enough and that other people had it better than me. I did not need to be anyone else at all.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Forgiving myself

Another thing I had to realise was that I needed to forgive myself for past mistakes. These were generally failures in my life that perhaps I could have avoided. Instead of dwelling on the past, I had to dust myself off and work on becoming the best version of myself. Sadly I had fallen deep into depression and I wasn't able to feel proud of my achievements, which of course didn’t help my journey. When I gained a place at University, I almost felt like I didn't deserve it and I had a strong fear of failure. The first assignment I ever did at Uni proved me so wrong. I was even able to prove those who didn't believe in me or my academic abilities wrong too. (Even though I had no intention of listening to them anyway.) I refused to quit and kept on going despite the fear and constant self doubt. I feel so proud that I had finally got to where I wanted to be.

Lockdown

I think lockdown has played a huge part in accepting myself. I used a journal mostly to reflect on my day and what I was grateful for. I feel like I can look in the mirror and see someone who is strong and I can actually tell myself nice things. Sometimes it even shocks me when I'm actually thinking about the positive aspects of myself. It wasn't an easy journey and it didn't happen overnight, but I feel like I'm almost there in accepting who I am and what I'm capable of. 

My advice to anyone out there still struggling with self love and acceptance is that sometimes it takes time and patience to truly feel at peace. It’s ok to have some doubts, but don’t let them stand in the way. It may seem difficult or even impossible at this moment in time, and you may not always feel it, but it is such a beautiful feeling once you find it.